When I was younger—through my 20s, 30s, and even into my early 40s—I really wanted to be in a romantic relationship because I believed it would bring a sense of completion and wholeness to my life. I constantly heard, “You’ll find the right relationship when you love yourself.” But no one ever mentioned the raw difficulty of the “Love YOURSELF” journey. The church taught me no sex before marriage. Yet the folk I knew were having lots of sex before marriage. It was commonplace, and as a result, I observed many broken and misunderstood relationships. With it, I watched people around me suffer in pain and chaos. I grew up equating love with struggle, believing I had to pour out every bit of myself just to be worthy of love. But that’s a lie—a dangerous one.
Now, as a therapist, I witness people just like me, desperately searching for real, lasting love. They do what I did, contorting themselves to please others, leaving their souls exhausted and hollow. That struggle for me wasn’t wasted, as I know it will not be for them. Everything we experience can be transformed into hard-won wisdom. Inner work has been the hardest battle of my life. Loving oneself is not a gentle suggestion—it’s a fierce, daily act. It demands you choose yourself, over and over again. It means nurturing your mind, body, spirit, and emotions well beyond their gaining strength and wholeness. It may mean shattering your own heart now to save your future self from pain that could break you forever.
Think about it: you bring your gifts and talents into a workplace that devalues you. But the moment you realize the source of those gifts is YOU, your confidence ignites. Suddenly, you have the power to walk away, to pursue a better job, or even to build the life you want on your own terms. Relationships are no different. True wholeness begins when you deeply understand and accept yourself, take responsibility for your life, and treat yourself with unwavering kindness. The love and respect you are looking for exist entirely within you. It means Boundaries are not just protection—they are the purest form of self-value. Boundaries say that you trust yourself and your inner voice and that you honor your reality. However, trusting your inner voice and intuition takes practice – it’s just like learning to braid or design. The end result can bring about a real transformation.
If you find yourself in a relationship that turns your world upside down, see it for what it is: the universe tapping you on the shoulder, urging you to change direction. I know—sometimes we ignore the signs, clinging to what looks and feels like everything we’ve ever wanted. We rage at God or fate for withholding what we think we deserve. But hear this: maybe you’re not getting what you want or need right now, and that’s exactly the point. That nudge is calling you to face yourself, to grow, so that in time—maybe not today, but someday—you’ll be ready to receive what you truly deserve. We’re like toddlers, throwing tantrums when life says “not yet.” But we can choose a new perspective. We can grow. The time gives us an opportunity to figure out what we’ve been lacking that’s led us to choose poor relationships and experience so much pain. Time also helps us begin to understand what truly constitutes a well-working, practical, balanced relationship and one that’s in the highest good for ourselves and the chosen partner.
It takes fierce courage and deep strength to admit when you’re headed down the wrong path and need to turn back; to leave people behind and sometimes find yourself very alone. That strength may not be available right away, and you might stumble—maybe even fall….HARD—before you’re finally ready to choose a new way. Most of us don’t change just because someone tells us to, or even because it’s the right thing to do. I didn’t. I kept choosing poorly, kept falling, until it hurt enough. Then finally I tapped out and said, “Enough, I give!” If today you find yourself in a relationship that’s spinning you, hopefully you will find the strength to “give” as well. Be encouraged, change comes to us all.